Log in

          It is becoming more and more apparent that E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E.  is missing you...very badly.  I know I do.

Roughing it...

 It has been a month now, and this just isn't getting any easier.  I don't feel any better either.  Most days are busy so it isn't such a huge ordeal, but when I get a chance to slow down, or at night before bed, you take over every thought.  I am still having a hard time accepting the fact that I don't get to see you, or talk to you again, ever.  Some days are better than others, but none are great.  I have been pretty damned mean to everyone lately, not to *blame* you, just having a horrible time trying to find a way to put you at ease. Not forget, just be myself again.  I think I need to go out and hunt down some one that I can talk to, some one I can put my trust in.  I know that I am headed down that same dark path that I was on in the fall.  It just feels to familiar to me not to be it.  I can't allow me to go back to that place, and I can see me there. It seems closer now than ever.  Maybe not to the extreme that was the first go-around, but definitely back to the hole that I dug.  I love to come home and see the truck in the driveway, it is nice to have a truck.  I wish I didn't have it this way.  I love the camera gear that I have, I don't like how I got it.  I have to somehow get up the nerve to ask my brother if I can keep you here at the house with me, cause I don't want to have to go somewhere to visit you. I want you here with us.  Is that weird?  Still don't know what Ron and I are going to do with the rest of the things we find at your place.  I feel awful guilty every time I think about getting rid of things.  Like the pennies.  I know that they are only pennies, but I also know how important they were to you, and the effort you put into getting that many.  I began to roll them, but I hated me for doing it. Those are your pennies, and no one should have them.  I know that I *have* to get them out of here, I just don't want to, ya know?  That makes one less thing that I have to hold onto that was a part of you.  Hell, if it weren't for the twins, I would keep the truck.  But once again, that is something that is better suited to be sacrificed as a *helping hand* in order for Anna and I to have the necessary things for the twins arrival.  So I guess in that regard...thank you for the help, but sure didn't want it.  You made my childhood so totally amazing, I regret the fact that I may not be able to give my kids the same wonderful experiences that you gave to me.  You gave everything you had, and I don't think you ever *ran out* of giving.  I never wanted anything, ever.  I swear, if I could figure out you did that, how you were so amazing, I would make me that way right now.  Truly, I don't think I have ever met someone nicer than you, and I am not saying this because you were my Dad.  I don't know any one who *always* had a good thing to say, no matter how bad the day was.  I am really kinda lost right now, so I am going to bounce around here.I opened the mail box the other day.  I was sort of ?excited? about seeing the letter in there from Prudential. I was happy that your insurance had been cleared for distribution, until I read the column that was the purpose of the account... Death Benefit.  Then I didn't want to have that letter.  I still don't feel like you are gone.  Like every now and then I have a fleeting thought of calling you, still.  I hate those thoughts, because it brings the impossibility right back to the forefront of my thoughts, but I like to think that you are still *always* in my thoughts.  Some of these things are so painfully confusing.  I want to keep things that I *know* that I can't, or shouldn't.  I want things that Ron has, but would be unfair to have, or even ask for.  Like? Like the .22 semi.  He wants to give that to Sam.  I get it, I do, but that kid has no respect for what it is, or from where it came.  I want the .22 handgun.  He will NEVER do anything with it, and I am afraid that it could become the target of something less than desirable if Ronnie, or Corey decide to get their hands on it.  I know I should be concerned with other things, but you gotta know that these things go through my mind.  Another instance is the tool chest from the shop.  I know the old tool box, and I love that tool box, but admittedly...he said he wanted it, "although the kids will just lose all of the tools."  Things like that make me angry.  Like the other night when he *tossed* that camera onto the computer desk, I wanted to flip out on him over that.  Maybe I am taking this way too seriously, but those things bother me.  I guess I can only say how to *properly* care for things that are here, and not with him.  I just hate to see those things go bad, or get ruined and then he has nothing left, I think.  That seems noble, I am going to stick with that!  I wish I knew how to be more like you were.  I saw you truly mad ONE time, I think.  You were always so on-the-level. I want to be like that, I REALLY want to be like that.  Play in the rain...sure.  Mud, too...sure.  Take me fishin...ok.  Buy me things...why not.  Go to K-mart or Harts just to look around, for real...sounds like fun.  You never got stressed out about the little things, or even 99% of the big things.  Most days, I feel awful, cause I think I am mean to my kids.  I just don't know how to get out of that rut.  This is about you, not me.  That is a whole other post, for sure.  I now that we got most of what we could from the house.  I have this insanely deep-hearted *hope* that I can find something in there that makes everything else I have just "stuff."  Don't know what I am after, I guess I won't know until I find it, but I know there is something in that house that just having it...may very well put my mind at ease with you.  Something that will allow me to miss you, but not make me want to hide from the feeling I have when I think about you.  I have your denim suit...that should be good for a pick me-up every now and then.  You looked so comfortable in that damned thing, like you were king of the world.  I could tell you felt good in it.  You are funny!  If I was 5' 8"...I would put that thing on and go like hell!!!!   It's funny how *talking* to you can make me feel better, although still teary, I can smile when I think about certain things you or we did.  FOR INSTANCE...You laughing your ass of when I came back to the canoe after grabbing onto that electric fence.  I was bawling, cause well, it hurt.  No, hurt isn't even close. Regardless, I come back to the boat, blubbering and completely freaked out, and all you could do was laugh.  Not the kind of laugh that is "ha-ha", no, you were in a full on " I can't breathe, and I have a headache now" kind of laugh, and you couldn't stop.  Now...that is one of the funniest things I think I have ever had the pleasure of being involved in.  I will never forget my "death march"   'nuff said on that, other than Man, I was a dead kid walking across the park.  I know one thing....me and you.....we had LOTS of fun, didn't we?     Love ya!.

Where did you go?

I want you to know that I am not mad, but did you have to go now?  I guess all I can say is Thank you, I Love you, and I sure am going to miss you. Thank you for teaching me how to fish. Thank you for *always* taking me fishing.  You taught me how to canoe, man, I still remember when I raced you back to the truck.  That was fun, thanks.  Thank you for allowing me to just be a kid on those weekends that we were together.  you always let me play out in the puddles and in the back yard when it would flood.  You taught me how to sled.  How long were we at Memorial hill that day? I know that is was dark by the time we were done sledding.  Thanks for all the cool bikes.  I still think about how I was the envy of all of my friends because my dad built me a chopper, a real chopper.  Thanks for showing me the best way to catch worms, fast little buggers when they need to be!  Thank you for all the days you spent flying kites with me.  Funny how the last time we talked, we reminisced about me locking the keys in the Nova. It is a long walk from the park to your house.  When I had bad dreams, you let me sleep in your bed.  Thank you for letting me waste so many nails, and lose so many tools.  You gave me so much to look forward to.  On Friday, after you picked us up, and we took mamaw to the store and to the laundry mat, it was home to watch The Dukes of Hazard. After that it was Knight Rider.  You let me have Pepsi in my Kool-aid man.  Sat morning was good too.  Road-runner and that crazy coyote, he never did catch that bird.  Sunday morning, powdered donuts, chocolate milk, and Dr. Creep.  I loved him!  I don't think hitting me in the face with that baseball was all that great, but you carried me to my room and put me on my bed, that helped.  I always LOVED that you put Hot wheels cars on the Christmas tree, those mornings will never be topped.  Thank you for showing me how wonderful it is to be out in the wild exploring.  Ron always hated those hikes.  When the fish quit biting you showed me something that I still find fascinating, and I still love to do.  Skipping rocks. I can't believe you are gone Dad.  This is turning out to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and I haven't even started.  I hope with all my power that you weren't scared, or that you weren't tormented.  Oh, before I forget...Happy Birthday.   This all seems so unfair to you. You didn't do anything wrong, I guess. You never even got to retire, I think that is the crappiest part of all this.  I told you we were having twins, you were happy. You said you thought that it was neat because *big* families are rare these days.  I wish you could have been here when they got here.  There are so many things I want to say, so many things I want to do, but I don't have strength to make them happen right now. I guess I should have comfort knowing that the last time we talked on the phone, it was an awesome conversation. We talked about the past, we talked about the future, the what-ifs, and the why-nots.  I don't know what else to say right now, but not to worry, I will be back soon.  To write more about you, more about me, and more about us.  I'm not mad, but I sure wish you didn't have to go so soon.   Here's to one of the Greatest men I have EVER known, and a Father every kid should have...
                           I love you, Dad.   I miss you already.

Square number One

This sucks.  I should have just let her stay home. Instead, I *forced* her to go, and now I am regretting it, Badly...  Not sure where to go from here.  I don't think I can keep giving and taking it away.  It isn't fair to her, it isn't fair to me, and it isn't healthy for us.  Going fucks me up, not going fucks her up, and so I have no idea which way to go to make this better.  That is, if there is a better.  So here I am...Square One.


I obviously don't have what it takes to be a * five-time* father.  Not sure I was supposed to be one at all, the way it looks.  What a horrible person I have somehow become.  How the the hell did I get here?  When did shit go so wrong?  I think I may need to try something new in the way of medication, the one I take seems not to be doing much.  I think I should just stop having anything to do with correction of these kids.  Let her do all of it, cause apparently what I do or say has little to no affect.  And when it does, it is short lived. So I am just going to leave it up to her to tell the  kids what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.  This way is better for everyone. I don't have to yell, They don't have to cry, and she doesn't have to think about how awful I am to them.  I guess I should do the exact thing with her. I will just go along with what she says to do.  It would make everything quiet here, and mostly stress free.  I feel sorry that those kids got stuck with me, it isn't their fault.  But now they may have the same, or close to the same, childhood that I had. The type of childhood that no kid should have to endure, ever.  We were joking at the store the other night, at least I was, about her not being able to live on her own without me.  When I stand outside and look in , it isn't difficult to see that maybe she is *better off* without me.  Who knows, I sure don't have the answers, and my therapist is no longer trustworthy to me.  It would appear that I am almost back to where I started.   For the first time in a while I don't feel *safe*, and I feel fine.  Welcome back...didn't take you long to return. Gonna be a long night.  Behave yourself.

Bed time?

Ok, it's exactly 0500. I hope I can get to sleep.  I wonder if it hurts, if you don't wake up.

Date night

I feel like I am close to seeing my whole life unravel right in front of me and there is nothing I can do to slow it's pace, or better yet, stop it altogether. There is one thing I can do to stop it, but I don't think it is the best way to combat this, or any other issue.  I hope it won't come to that.  I think I need some more help.  (shaking my head)  I apologized to my wife for "yelling" at her, she said " I am getting used to it."  Not real sure where to go from here, cause quietly crying about it as I sat in the middle of the back yard just didn't seem to help.  I could go up and wake her up but...1. I don't think she wants to talk to me much.  2. It is 04:03.  Can't seem to stop the tears...I wonder if she would even care right now?... Hell, why should she, right this minute, I don't care about me either.

                               I wish I knew what that meant

And thus it begins

As the title goes...And thus it begins. I have a lot to say and few people to say it to. Hopefully I can use this as an outlet as well as for insight into my life. I am married, I have 4 kids, 3 that live with my wife and I. The oldest lives in Boston with his Mother. I fight with my wife, I yell at my kids, and I take medication for it. I have no job, I am a retired truck driver, and now a house husband. I have no friends, I have some family, though they have all but separated themselves completely from my life. The one brother that lives close to me never wants to hang out with me, and is moving to Florida soon. Wow, this looks like this could take a while. I HATE who I have become, and often feel sorry for the people who have to deal with me on a regular basis. I never thought I was that bad of a guy, just a little quiet, and I liked to keep my self somewhat. I never dreamed that what I thought was ok, has turned into this sort of living Hell of an existence. Not real sure how to manage that right now, my wife says just "wanting" to be happy will make it better. Maybe I will try that. Anyway, I guess I should have used this in the big info box on my profile page, but if you made it this far, Hi and welcome to my insanity, glad you are here!!



Latest Month

March 2008


RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow